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| Blogs > gottaring > Out of the Mouth of a Babe... |
A Patch, a Pill or a Momentary Thrill?
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A Patch, a Pill or a Momentary Thrill? This post is only viewable by bbwnsa.com members. Join bbwnsa.com now! When it comes to sex, I need a STRONG connection. Otherwise, the page just keeps buffering and takes FOREVER to load... |
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GOOD
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I keep coming back to this probably because it's something I could have written for different reasons. To be perfectly honest, my hubby and I are "not" the friends we once were, but we have a decent partnership. A comfortable existence. That sounds less thrilling than it is, but what I mean is that our lives work well even if we don't love hanging out together. But where it gets confusing for me is that I also have been in the "affair turnstile". The thrill, the exhilaration, the disappointment. And OH, did I mention the lies and deception? Because eventually, what I realized for me was that I just couldn't maintain the lies and deception for some meaningless thrills that don't last. The price became higher than I wanted to pay. I had a series of discoveries about former lovers I held on some sort of pedestal as "the sort of man I would be with in a different time/place". One horrifying example was when I learned the first man I had an affair with was in fact many years ago indicted on several counts of inappropriate sexual conduct with minors. He was a HS teacher. I found it out in a moment of wistful reminiscing, and did a quick internet search on him. Yowza. I realized that when you lay down in mud, you get dirty. And while I may not have an ideal marriage, I can look myself in the eye every day. I can smile with pride that "for better and worse" we've stuck it out. I can know that I'm no longer a flaming hypocrite who "believes in marriage" while breaking my vows. I am the person I want to be again. A little lonesome, but with my pride intact. (I didn't mean to hijack your comment area, but wow, I guess I had a lot to say about this!) PS, Integrity is a nice color on you. Be proud of your decision. I loved what you said about sharing the family moments. 
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One positive change usually begets another one, maybe making small changes in your behavior will inspire changes with your husband. As you know marriages do not stay lively by themselves, it takes constant input and at times you need to force yourself to reiterate the positive message even when it doesn't feel real. I wonder if you have spoken to him and if he listened. It might pay to have some type of mediator that can construct a situation that both of you can be honest and open with feelings. It was an eye opening event for both my wife and I when we did this. Our relationship is stronger as a result.
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Well Gotta with what I'm going through I have no advice. I just know those "moments" with my soon to be ex wife always meant the world to me. I cherished every kiss and always told her how beautiful and sexy she was. As it turns out those moments meant more to me than her... So I understand how important those moments are even though mine were part of being with one person. And i know how addicting they are and how much I miss them. God I miss them... So how do you get past them and get over them?? Beats the hell out of me.
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Sorry I got to this late, but I haven't been on for nearly a week...sigh...my life is beginning to intervene... I so get what you're saying. I have been thinking along the same lines...but I cling to the addiction for a bit longer...I do indeed love those moments...but unlike you I think they enhance my marriage not subtract from it. I realize they are transitory and mostly meaningless but they provide me with something I miss from my spouse...and while she is still unable to give, I receive from others. As a woman that may be different for you. But I think it is at least similar. You look for "moments" because they produce a needed "high" for you. Sure you can get them anytime you want...you are a woman after all, and women have the ultimate power in that arena...but there is more to it than that. I've read some of the previous comments and yes you could do any number of those things, but I think what you may actually want is something transitory to pass the time rather than change your life. I once heard it said that while your kids grow up there are moments of "doldrums" in our lives...I think that you may just be in one of those. After all using the "hall pass" only once or twice and having it not end well is not all there is. I'm not suggesting you fuck everything in sight, but maybe don't give up on yourself finding a VERY special moment to guide you through a tuff time with hubby. He seems (from what you say) a very understanding and loving man, so explore and when you see that he's better than anything else around then it won't matter anymore...and if you don't see that, well then question whether that's where you want to be for the next 40 years...anyway...just a thought. 
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Well Gotta with what I'm going through I have no advice. I just know those "moments" with my soon to be ex wife always meant the world to me. I cherished every kiss and always told her how beautiful and sexy she was. As it turns out those moments meant more to me than her... So I understand how important those moments are even though mine were part of being with one person. And i know how addicting they are and how much I miss them. God I miss them... So how do you get past them and get over them?? Beats the hell out of me.
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You have hit the nail right on the head! Almost as though you are reading my thoughts! A great blog xx
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gottaring replies on 9/24/2012 1:38 pm: Hm. I never thought of it that way. I guess I think of bungee jumping and skydiving as things that an 'adrenaline junkie' would become addicted to. But maybe this isn't much different? Both cases involve some of the same physiological changes, certainly. Chemicals released doing blah blah and such. Smart as a horse and hung like Einstein.
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Darn, I wish I had written that. You captured those lingering thoughts that float around my mind perfectly. I personally treasure those moments. I have shared a very special part of a life with some totally amazing women. Maybe they weren't everything but they were so much better than the emptiness that surrounds them. I honestly can't imagine my life without them. I understand the weariness and to a great extent I share your feelings and I don't initiate contact. But I have little doubt that if the right women caught my attention those reservations would melt like butter. Life is so much better when lived to the fullest and those precious moments are such a wonderful part of life.
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gottaring replies on 9/24/2012 1:41 pm: Perhaps no man (and women in my case) wants to be filler for someone else's shoes. This is another reason why it doesn't pay for me to search for another FWB. I can't honestly expect a man to sit by the sidelines and take only what I'm willing to give. Maybe I'm better suited for NSA, but I can't wrap my head around that. I know it works for some, but it's not my style. I stopped searching for new FWB's a while ago. I will slowly lose the couple I have. I'm devoting more and more time to hearth & home and less to hormones. That will get me through until my Viking gets home in the spring. My Cub was horrified by his recent realization that he is unable to totally divorce his emotions from sexual encounters. Shocking news to a 28 yr old that men have issues with this too. I think we are all striving for balance in the best way we can. May we all find it soon. Kisses, LA   
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I am not going to use the word 'unfortunately' to say this is what I was doing. Rarely do I regret the choices I have made in life. My thought is to use these choices as learning tools. Yes, I did figure out what you did. Although I actually did sleep with A LOT of men before I realized I was out looking for my next HIGH. While I have stepped back substantially from my wanton ways, I don't know that I will stop. However, I am now a single woman. So looking for the next shot of anticipation and adrenaline is going to remain on the table for me. *shrug* Sorry, I don't have an answer for you.  Good Luck
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moments are great. i will describe mine. i am lying in bed after a long boring night shift and the family above me are reenacting some special indian holiday with elephants and lots of stomping. in fact they are loud enough to wake me an hour before my alarm goes off. it is a special moment for sure. however the young kids laughter takes the edge off of my anger a lot.
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I tell ya G, this reads a whole lot different for me now than it would have say, 5 or 6 years ago. Don't know how to make you 'satisfied' or 'happy' w/ a post so I'll just give you a 
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We sound so much alike in our situations!!!  HUGS
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gottaring replies on 9/24/2012 1:36 pm: Hubby buys me flowers all the time, lol. He knows I LOVE having fresh flowers in the house . It's the simplest way to make me smile. That is great he does for you. When I go on dinner dates. I make sure I bring flowers for her. I get hugs that way. Hope you have a great week. This is not meant to offend any one in any way.     
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You were in a rut at the time and you needed to feel like a woman again. You obviously now have stronger feelings towards your husband than you did back then.
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Ring, you have hit upon a great and dangerous truth. Emotional highs and lows are more addictive than any drug. The "kick" of an emotional high is amazing. The dangerous part is losing that "kick" and hunting for something to fill the hole it leaves. I won't annoy you with any pithy advice, I don't have any. I won't bore you with personal experiences bucause it's different for each person. Just be strong, be smart don't be afraid to talk to someone, and hang in there. I'm Pulling for you. Take it easy, guns are cold. Take it easy, guns are cold. 
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Well, whatever you do, please do NOT stop bloggin! You have way too much thought provoking content within your blogs for all of us to loose! I could rant and rave, wax and wane philosphical on ya, but I'm no expert, by far. You do such a remarkable job writing here, you could give some thought into writing a book, help channel some of your energies. Or even photography! You seem to have a knack for this, too. OK, so I lied a little bit. ..some philosophy: and it's from Lord of the Rings no less! (whodathunkit) Sam: This is it. Frodo: This is what? Sam: If I take one more step, it'll be the farthest away from home I've ever been! Yup, the next step will be "just another step", like all the others he's ever taken! Yet, at the same time, the next step takes him to somewhere he's never been before. Call it perspective or attitude. Maybe "mini-moments", for all the little discoveries, and teency first times that may exist. "You've kissed your husband before", have you kissed him there? Or there? Have you kissed him this way, or that way? Allow me to be one of your Blushing Dorky Silly Men for a moment. What if your Hubby stood face to face with you, cradled your hand in both of his, raised the back of your hand to his lips and gently caressed your hand, saying simply "M'Lady, My Love"? Would that be a first? What if you did that to him? "M'Lord, My love" Me, I haven't been to tomorrow yet! I wonder what new discoveries, and new firsts, lie ahead there for me!
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Hint you might want him to buy you flowers. I find myself taking to way more married women on the blogs. It seems they know what is going on. And I can relate to them. But lately I have been talking to lesbian women. No I am not trying to change them. I just want to watch. LOL I talk to single women too. All women are great. Have a great week. This is not meant to offend any one in any way.
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Seems to me you're an adrenaline junkie. So, the trick is to find new ways to get that adrenaline rush, right? Smart as a horse and hung like Einstein.
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GR, I don't really have an answer OR suggestions for you. All I can do is and tell you that I think questions like the ones you are asking yourself reflect what an incredible person you are, and why I'm tickled that you are my friend.2022... it HAS be better, right?!
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I suggest you turn bi-sexual and look for a bi-gf which we all know are impossible to find so you'll have the thrill of the search without any worries of when it will die because it will never happen...lmao... On the serious side of this I whole heartedly agree with you on the doomed nature of FWB's but I am wondering if the reason is our marriages? Yes all FWB relationships are fleeting but during my divorced & single years they lasted a lot longer than the ones while I've been married. Perhaps it is the fact that we are mostly happy, mostly satisfied and only have this finite need. Of course your circumstances for looking for an FWB while married and mine are completely different but the basic need we are trying to fill is the same. We can't get the sex, intamcy and thrill from our husbands so we want someone to make do with until we can find a way to get that back with our hubbys. Perhaps no man (and women in my case) wants to be filler for someone else's shoes. I stopped looking a long while ago and will not replace any FWB's when I lose them. I'm looking at putting those energies into other things, painting, writing, the horses, the impending move, zumba and any other healthy outlet I can find. Big hugs. Kisses, LA
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I haven't been on the site for a very long time, and I am already starting to reevaluate what I'm doing here. That's what it is. Reevaluation. When your priorities or needs change, or rather, don't change, it's time for something new. New does not mean a person necessarily, but maybe a thought, or an idea to grab and run with. I think we are in a similar yet different situation, but thinking similar thoughts. And although I cannot offer direct advice or a solution, know that many of us understand greatly, and are here for you in one capacity or another. Someone suggested writing, which is a fantastic idea, but they also said to stop blogging, which I think is a TERRIBLE idea. I truly look forward to reading your blog, and as you know, were part of the reason I started my own. Hang in there. As with the moments you speak of, this is a moment too, and there are many more on the horizon.
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Having been a smoker for 40 years before quitting, I can tell you that it isn't the last cigarette that's the sweetest, it's the first. Not unlike any other high, I guess. The first is always the best and the rest are just chasing after that illusive first. I'm glad you've had your epiphany. Now it's time to break out the Zorro cape and have a little fun with the hubby....even if it's virtual. 
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9/24/2012 6:34 am |
If no one has told you you're beautiful today let me be the first. I Live on memories (moments). I was with a very special FWB and have wonderful memories. I wasn't looking for her when I found her, or maybe she found me, and it was an experience I don't regret but will never repeat with another woman. It's not in my make-up. But the memories will be with me forever. I guess you have to figure out if you need more moments. For me the memories can be enough (but I still like to hear the FWB's voice once in a while, or get together for a drink). Is that enough for you? Or do you need more moments? Are those moments with hubby enough for now? You need to quit blogging and start seriously writing about this stuff. If people will read poorly written drivel like 50 Shades of Gray they'll read intelligent and funny writing.
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