Why men have dogs instead of Wives
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Posted:Oct 23, 2017 7:53 am
Last Updated:May 25, 2024 5:59 pm
1989 Views
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The later you are the more excited the is to see you.
Dogs like it if you leave things on the floor.
A dog's parents never visit.
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
You never have to wait for a dog. They are always ready to go instantly.
Dogs find you interesting when you are mad.
Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
Dogs won't wake you up at night to ask "If I died would you get another dog?"
If a has babies you can put an ad in the paper and sell them.
When you drop a silent one they enjoy the aroma and don't run around frantically with a can of room spray to try and cover it up.
Dogs will let you put a studded collar on them without calling you a pervert.
If a smells another on you he won't kick and hit you; he just finds it interesting.
if a takes off and leaves you it won't take half of your stuff with it when it goes.
To verify these statements lock your wife and in the garage for a couple of hours. Then open the door and observe who is happy to see you."
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A Womans Observations and Conclusions
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Posted:Oct 23, 2017 7:50 am
Last Updated:May 25, 2024 5:59 pm
1927 Views
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What is the thinnest book in the world? What men know about women.
What did God say after he created man? "I can do better than this."
How can you tell if a man is happy? Who cares?
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know because it's never happened.
How are men and parking spaces alike? The good ones are already taken and the only ones left are the handicapped.
What's a man's idea of housework? Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
What does a man consider a seven course meal? A hot and a six pack of beer.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home.
What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups? Put the remote between his toes.
How do men define a fifty/fifty relationship? We cook and they eat. They dirty and we clean. They wrinkle and we iron.
How do men exercise at the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a girl in a bikini.
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meaning of wife
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Posted:Oct 20, 2017 5:52 am
Last Updated:May 25, 2024 5:59 pm
1860 Views
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A husband asked his wife if she knew the meaning of wife?
When she didn't answer he said "Without information fighting every time."
The wife when hearing that said "It also means With idiot forever."
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pullover
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Posted:Oct 20, 2017 5:51 am
Last Updated:May 25, 2024 5:59 pm
1844 Views
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"A cop pulled up alongside a car speeding down the road. Glancing at the car he was astonished to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting.
Realizing she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the cop put down his window, turned on his pa system and yelled:
"Pullover!"
She glanced up from what she was doing, smiled at him and yelled back "Nope. It's a sweater."
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NATURAL
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Posted:Oct 18, 2017 4:48 am
Last Updated:Oct 20, 2017 5:22 am
1863 Views
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I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes
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GOLF WITH THE WIFE
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Posted:Oct 18, 2017 4:47 am
Last Updated:May 25, 2024 5:59 pm
1857 Views
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A man staggered in to the hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his neck. Naturally the doctor asked him:
"What on Earth happened to you?"
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife. When we teed off on the sixth hole we both sliced our drives over the fence into a field full of cattle. We went to look for the balls and while I was looking around I noticed that one of the cows had something white on her rear end.
"I walked over and lifted the cow's tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the cow's ass. Still holding the tail up I hollered at the wife "Hey! This looks like yours!"
"I don't remember much after that."
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Health Check
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Posted:Jun 4, 2015 6:23 am
Last Updated:Aug 20, 2016 3:51 pm
7822 Views
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A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
'How much do you weigh?' she asks.
'115,' she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 140
The nurse asks, 'Your height?'
'5 foot 8,' she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5'.
She then takes her blood pressure
And tells the woman it is very high.
'Of course it's high!' she screams,
'When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!'
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Letter to wife
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Posted:Jun 4, 2015 6:17 am
Last Updated:Oct 18, 2017 5:03 am
7548 Views
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A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining
room table:
'To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54
years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you & I value you as
a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not
wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18
year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight.'
When the man came home late that night, he
found the following letter on the dining room table:
'My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54
years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are
also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I
would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Marriott
Hotel with Michael, one of my students, who is also on the tennis team. He
is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you
will understand although it may appear that we are in the same situation,
there is one mathematical difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than
54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.'
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FIND YOUR FAV FILM
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Posted:May 25, 2015 7:12 am
Last Updated:Oct 18, 2017 5:03 am
5397 Views
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Pick a number from 1 - 9..
Now multiply by 3.
Add 3, multiply that by 3.
Add those two digits together (ie 24 is 2+4=6) to find your all time favorite movie in the list below ... (scroll down)
It is:
1. Gone with the Wind.
2. Aliens.
3. True Grit.
4. Star Wars.
5. Forrest Gump.
6. Casablanca .
7. Jaws.
8. Grease.
9. The Joy of Anal Sex With Male Goats and Leather Clad Gay Boys.
10. Mary Poppins.
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WHAT DO U DO ALL DAY
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Posted:May 18, 2015 5:32 am
Last Updated:Aug 20, 2016 3:59 pm
7611 Views
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A man came home from work and found his three outside, still in
their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and 20 wrappers strewn
all around the front yard.
The door of his wife's car was open, and so too the front door to the house
and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even
bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against
one wall.
In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and
the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the
counter, the fridge door was open wide, food was spilled on the floor a
broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the
back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes,
looking for his wife.. He was worried she might be ill, or that something
serious had happened.
He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom
door.
As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn
over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been
smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in
her pyjamas, reading a novel.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went..
He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?'
She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from
work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?'
'Yes,' was his incredulous reply.
She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.'
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I AM FROM IRELAND
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Posted:May 18, 2015 5:28 am
Last Updated:Jun 19, 2015 6:38 am
5448 Views
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Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland ..'
The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'
The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?'
The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'
The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin ?'
The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the north side. I lived on Warbury Street .'
The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I!
And what school did ya go to?'
The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.'
The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?'
The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'
The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!'
About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters,
'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'
Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.
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